Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
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Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
me after eating Cheetos
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”