PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
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I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I hate when that happens.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
my fav colour is also hitler
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.