Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
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Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t