As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
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When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
@ candidates for local office
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok