[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
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It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
“just sayin” who asked you though?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list