FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it