Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
You Might Also Like
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
it be like that
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
im all 3
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]