me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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this is what they would have looked like, though
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Just a reminder, folks:
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.