me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My dog learned how to text
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.