Ain’t no way
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Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.