*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My Plans 2020
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.