I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
You Might Also Like
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.