I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist