My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
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Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.