me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.