*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
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[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
why am I working on Labor Day
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.