My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
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I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My boss called in sick of me
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.