date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
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Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
calling in to work dehydrated
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I hope they boil the right one.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Has there ever been a more American story?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me