[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically