*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
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I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”