A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
You Might Also Like
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Lmao 🤣
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.