Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.