Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
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Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Real House Wines.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
me when somebody idk start touching me