Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
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To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom