So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.