me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
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[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Who knew!
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary