After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Erm…
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.