Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
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Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Guilty! 🤪
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.