Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Meme Monday.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.