My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
When I said I liked it rough.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Mornin