The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
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A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
this post was so formative to me
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school