Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Well, that didn’t work.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Beards are a privilege, not a right
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop