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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side