My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.