“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
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[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’ve been drinking.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?