[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
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[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?