Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]