God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.