6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I think I’ll stand
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use