IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.