Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I am a gravy boat captain