I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets