emergency phone
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Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
*limbos away from your hug*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am