DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
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“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I don’t get marriage
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.