The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Just got to our Airbnb!
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock