job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
jesus christ confetti not now
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*