taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
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“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Got him!
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write