There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
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A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.