before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.