I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
ok hear me out: Luigiana
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.